Dear Santa,

I'm not the one to judge, but aren't you a pedophile if you go down the chimney tops of little children's homes and give them "toys"? Who know what you did to those "toys" and what you did to those children! Also, aren't you getting a little chunky, maybe even chunkier then last year? I'm just saying maybe you should go join that Jared guy from the Subway commercials that everyone loves to hate.

Now that that is off my chest, let me start with a congratulations. You got through the year drinking it up with your reindeer, hunting with your wife because you need the food, (And we all know that you can't kill Rudolph!) and beating your elves until they did what you said. Shouldn't you feel proud of yourself? I believe you completed your New Year's resolution. I applaude you.

I don't know, but it seems you're going under the radar now that there's some controversies about the whole, "Well, I don't celebrate Christmas, so call it the holidays!" and all that bull crap everyone pulls out. Seriously, I think you're trying to get rid of those reporters saying you should disappear because you are the sole thing that people recognize about Christmas except Jesus and the gifts those greedy snot-nosed brats get.

Now, if you still love me, and we all know you don't because I've been a "naughty" child, (Pervert) I do have a few wishes that I want to be fulfilled. Number one, I want a Wii. Plain and simple. And not just the console, because that's cheap. I want the games to come with it, you know! I can't do anything with just a console! That's pathetic! Number two, I want a new computer. Why? Well, damn, this one sucks and keeps crashing on me. What else would I want a computer for? (I guess the games.)

Anything else... No, that's pretty much it. So, "Santa", will you be fulfilling my wishes this Christmas? Or will you be shattering my heart and giving me the wicked coal that everyone knows I deserve? Must I have to give you my own little treatment and break your mind?
I didn't think so.

So, thank you "Santa", for completing these wishes for me in advance. I knew you wouldn't let me down. And thank you for drinking that wonderful spiked eggnog all year before you go on the sleigh and go around to shoot down the gifts into the houses and eating those disgusting stale cookies and warm, horrible milk. Just remember: Don't drink or drive, or else you might kill one of the children that were "nice" (Pervert) to you all year. And we know you can't go to jail, now can you?

Sincerely your's,
LF

P.S: Why do you call it your "naughty" and "nice" list? Couldn't you just call it your "Sainted and Tainted List" or something that's less... perverted? Because, I swear, you are a molester or something. Just pointing that out before you head off into the cold, deep skies on Christmas, or the "holidays" as we must call it.